Bedroom Chemistry: Rekindling Desire and Connection

Who this guide is for:

This guide is for wives who find themselves in a different season of their marriage, especially after having kids. Maybe you’re feeling a disconnect between the way your body has changed and how you feel about intimacy. Perhaps your husband’s high libido feels overwhelming, or certain physical aspects of sex—like kissing, touching, or focusing on areas like the breasts or vagina—have become more uncomfortable or even off-putting. If you’ve noticed a gap between his desires and your own, this guide is here to help. It’s about rediscovering a healthy connection that feels good for you, too, while keeping that spark alive in your relationship.

Before You Start:

It is crucial to understand that communication is at the heart of a satisfying relationship. If you’re not happy in your marriage beyond the bedroom, no amount of sexual advice will truly make a difference. Being honest with your husband about what you need, what feels good, and where your limits are is essential. If he isn’t genuinely invested in your happiness, this guide won’t change much. However, if he’s making an effort to understand you, showing love, and is eager to reconnect, you might feel a desire to reciprocate but simply aren’t sure where to begin. That’s where this guide comes in—it’s designed as a practical, entry-level resource to help you reawaken intimacy and find ways to make your husband feel loved and appreciated, without overwhelming yourself.

Understanding why this matters can be a game changer for your relationship. If your husband has a high libido and is putting genuine effort into making you happy, intimacy isn’t just a physical release for him—it’s a way he connects emotionally. For him, knowing that tonight is “his night” can set his entire day on fire. He’ll be thinking about you, fantasizing about the time you’ll spend together, and mentally building that connection. In his mind, it’s not just about sex; it’s about closeness, desire, and the feeling of being wanted by you. By engaging with him on this level, you’re not just fulfilling a physical need, but also deepening your bond in a way that he craves.

This guide explores five levels of intimate connection, each one designed to make your husband feel more and more appreciated and desired on a deeper level. Each level is a unique way to show him how much he means to you.

How To Use This Guide

This guide is centered around deepening the physical connection between you and your husband. It’s designed to help you rediscover moments of intimacy in ways that feel comfortable, enjoyable, and entirely on your terms. The goal isn’t to pressure you into anything, but rather to offer a framework that helps rekindle that spark in a way that feels right for both of you.

The Points System

To make this journey enjoyable and motivating, the guide uses a point-based system. Each physical action or intimate gesture outlined in the guide is assigned a point value. Your aim is to reach an arbitrary number of points each month to create consistent opportunities for connection. The idea is that the more points you accumulate, the stronger the bond you’ll foster with your husband.

However, it’s important to emphasize that this is not about keeping score or hitting rigid targets. The point system is simply a fun and flexible way to encourage physical closeness. If some months are busier or more stressful, that’s perfectly okay. There’s no pressure to hit a set number—it’s simply about making a conscious effort to reconnect physically when you can.

Special Days: Birthdays, Father’s Day, and Christmas

While consistent physical touch and connection can work wonders, certain days can be especially meaningful in building intimacy. Birthdays, Father’s Day, and Christmas are perfect opportunities to prioritize your physical bond and go the extra mile. Aim to score at least 8 points to make your husband feel truly celebrated—going the extra mile on his special day can leave a lasting impact and deepen your connection.

• Birthdays: This is a chance to make him feel extra special. Whether it’s surprising him with a night dedicated to his desires, trying something new together, or simply indulging in physical closeness—these moments can mean a lot to him.

• Father’s Day: Celebrate him not just as a husband, but as the father of your children. Make the day about honoring him, including a physical gesture or experience that shows your appreciation.

• Christmas: The holiday season brings a sense of warmth and togetherness. It’s the perfect time to create intimate moments, whether through a surprise physical gesture, a planned evening together, or simply more frequent physical touch during the festive season.

A No-Pressure Approach

You are never obligated to do anything you’re not comfortable with. This guide is here to provide ideas, inspiration, and encouragement—but ultimately, the choice is yours. If a particular action feels too much or if you’re simply not in the mood, that’s completely fine. There’s no expectation to perform; it’s about exploring physical closeness in a way that feels right for you.

The point is to move at your own pace. If you’re consistent, even in small ways, you’ll find that your physical connection deepens naturally. And remember, the guide is about finding enjoyable ways to engage in intimacy that work for both of you. It’s not about perfection; it’s about creating moments of genuine closeness and desire that can rekindle your bond.

Ultimately, this guide is a resource to help you enjoy your physical relationship with your husband, rediscover that sense of desire, and feel more connected—all while respecting your own boundaries and comfort level.

Level 0: Nonsexual Touch

Physical intimacy isn’t just about sex—it’s also about small, meaningful gestures that strengthen your bond. These acts of nonsexual touch can be powerful ways to show affection, reassure your husband, and remind him that you’re connected. Here are three simple ways to incorporate nonsexual touch into your daily life:

1. Hold Hands in Public
   Whether you’re walking through a store, taking a stroll together, or sitting at your kids’ game, reaching for his hand can have a surprising impact. It’s a quiet yet powerful gesture that lets him know you value his presence. You don’t always need words; the warmth of your hand in his can be enough to reignite a feeling of connection.
   Pro Move: Take it a step further by resting your arm across his shoulders or placing a hand on his back. It adds a touch of closeness and shows you’re proud to be by his side, whether you’re out on a date night or just running errands.

2. Lean In or Slide Closer When You Sit Together
   If you’re sitting on the couch at home or having dinner at a restaurant, make a conscious effort to close the gap between you. Shift closer, let your leg touch his, or rest your head on his shoulder. This small gesture can create a bubble of intimacy, even in a crowded setting. If you’re dining out, sliding your chair nearer instead of sitting across the table can create a more connected, cozy atmosphere. These little movements signal that you still want to be close to him, even after all these years.

3. The Unexpected Back Touch
   One of the easiest and most effective ways to reconnect is through spontaneous, nonsexual touch. When he’s cooking, working on something, or even just brushing his teeth, come up behind him and place a gentle hand on his back or shoulders. It’s not about initiating anything sexual—it’s simply a moment to say, “I see you, and I’m here.” This kind of unexpected, light touch can cut through the routine of everyday life and remind him that you’re thinking about him, even during the most mundane moments.

These small gestures may seem simple, but they can go a long way in creating moments of closeness and reaffirming the bond between you. They show your husband that you value and appreciate him, even when things are hectic.

Level 1: Subtle but Meaningful Gestures

Moans and groans (even light or faked) are hot and make him feel appreciated and like he is doing something right.

 Tell him when something feels/felt good during sex. It shows him you are actively participating and enjoying the moment. 

Kiss his neck during foreplay. The neck is sensitive and gives chills.

Getting into bed naked, under the blankets, to start is hot. It shows anticipation and he will enjoy instantly being able to get touchy feely. 

Level 2: It’s Heating Up!

Ask him when he wants sex on your scheduled days. Guys love initiation and it takes away the anxiety of him having to ask.

Wear lingerie, hidden under the blanket,  without telling him, for no occasion. If it is not his birthday and he loves lingerie, the surprise will drive him crazy.

Be the aggressor during foreplay (on top kissing, etc) once in a while. Men like it when their girl takes charge once in a while. 

Level 3: Intimate Bonding Moments

Initiate switching positions during sex including cowgirl to give him a break. Having sex is good cardio and your man may need some breaks once in a while to catch his breath. Also, switching positions is a good way to break up the monotony and rhythm of missionary. 

Know what his favorites are and offer it to him. Does he love doggy style sex in the shower?  Does he love to give you a hot oil massage on rubber sheets? Offering these out of nowhere will get his heart pumping.

Watch vanilla porn together. Not all porn is vile. Watching soft porn with your husband is hot for him and can help inspire some new things to try.

Be confident and aggressive during a session. This could tie into the position switching. Alpha males do love it when their girl takes charge once in a while.

Ask him if he wants to finish in doggie style during sex. If your husband loves doggy style then an unexpected finish in his favorite position will mean a lot to him. 

Initiate French kiss during foreplay or sex. Guys love the closeness of a French kiss. If you do not French kiss often then surprise your husband with an aggressive French kiss during foreplay. Guys also love French kissing during sex and a French kiss while orgasming will drive your man crazy!

Ask him to use a vibrator during sex. The easiest way to orgasm is with a vibrator.  If you have trouble getting off, ask your husband to start experimenting with a vibrator. If your husband is high libido he probably has an assortment of vibrators in the drawer next to the bed. It can be during foreplay, it can be during sex, or it can be reserved for later in the session. Be honest with your husband about what durations, speeds and positioning feel good. Your husband cares more about your pleasure than his pleasure and you letting him experiment will mean the world to him. 

Level 4: Holy Shit That Was Awesome!

Coach him on what feels good with your clitoris and give him time to practice and learn. Some women can feel skittish when it comes to their vaginas; especially after giving birth. You may even need to relearn what feels good for you. Tell him you want to practice clitoral stimulation for 10 minutes before sex one day. Give him a chance to practice and correct him when he makes mistakes. With enough practice you will have a husband that knows how to get you in the mood for sex which will make the experience better for both of you. 

Wake him up with a blowjob in the morning for no reason. This is a fantasy of about 99.5% of husbands.

Give your husband a clearly communicated pass to let him touch your breasts once in a while. Men love boobs and husbands love boobs even more as they get harder and hard to access after having kids. Know that your husband wants to touch your breasts more than anything else in the world and consider giving him a few moments of joy once in a while. 

Give your husband an extra day of sex for no other reason but to show you care. He has probably missed a few days throughout the year. A nice gesture would be to give him an unexpected day to show you appreciate him. 

Level 5: “Best Wife Ever” Acts of Appreciation

Schedule a session where you specifically work on trying to have an orgasm. Give clear instructions on what toys to use, how to use them, and the best timing to use them,  and spell out what will work best for you.

Book a weekend away to connect sexually and intimately: Your marriage needs to make time to connect. Just you and him, no kids and a couple of toys can bring your marriage to new levels.

Ask him to perform oral sex:  This is your husband’s favorite thing in the world and the closest and most intimate two people can get. It shows trust and closeness with your husband and also will be the quickest way to an orgasm.